Beware of your desires…( Reprised)

Until sometime back, when I was ungratefully employed, all I wanted was to ‘get away’ from my then current situation. I had a dream job (dream for many) with a more than necessarily heavy monthly paycheck and I had the tag of the company that I thought of as my dream company. Yes! It was a dream come true! But well, I wasn’t happy or satisfied. I felt myself to be corroding and metamorphosing into a zombie.  All I wanted was to get away, run away. It was as if the place was eating me from within. I was so desperate to get the hell out of there that I would have done anything (or rather not done any work). All I hoped and prayed was to get the hell out of there. To get the fucking hell out of there.

Wait a sec! No not actually or exactly that. Honestly, I literally begged my God and all the other Gods (uh, well God’s just one with many names, but who knows which name he prefers, hence I called on almost all that I knew) to listen to my humble requests. I pleaded for time and money. I was burned out. Fatigued. All I cared was for ample time at hand and ample money to get me by.

Well, finally the day came, when I was totally out of the shackles. Out of the 9-5 jail, out of the glass prison walls. Out, wild and free! Hell yeah! Freedom baby! Ahhh, the fresh air, green grass, blue sky, birds chirping and the fragrant flowers. Finally out in the real world!

BLISS!!!

Basically I was out of one jail without any conviction of going into another one. (Oops, what I mean is I was out of one company but unlike the playing safe kind, I did not had any offer from any other company)

(Yeah, yeah! Mighty big step, leap of faith, whatever!!)

Needless to say that I had a gala time in those 2 months of my unemployment. I did all that I wanted to do – eat, sleep, read and watch back to back movies and soaps.

Who cared about career? Well yes I did, and I had always been a serious career-oriented, highly ambitious type of woman, but what I thought and what I got are totally different sides of a coin.

All I wanted was some time off, so that I could relax without the pressure in my head or the inhibitions of the new place. I wanted to be. Just be.

Well, but the time is ticking. I do have time at hand and I surely do have some dough enough to keep me warm and full for some more time, but am really bored now. Just the other day I was sorting and de-cluttering my wardrobe when I realized, how I missed getting dressed up in the western formals. How I miss the endless and pointless status updates and meetings where I used to mull and ponder how would a status of a task change in merely 2-3 hours??!! Indeed, I miss playing self ‘Office Bingo’ during the conference calls. Oh well, I miss those terribly boring and lullaby con-calls too! Of course, I do miss huddling in front of the laptop acting as a lean mean and kickass consultant when I was nothing more than a daily wage earner (of IT world).

Indeed, I miss it all. The lies, the fakeness, the drama and the dirty office dynamics (read office politics). Of course, I do hate it still, as it is not me and nor do I want to be a part of it, and yet I miss it. Given a chance, I will never ever walk back into the IT industry (NO, never ever!!). And yet, here I am, getting bored. All I desire for is the lies, the drama, the fakeness but most importantly, the monthly paychecks to fulfil my indulgence in the pursuit of the high life.

Well, whoever said it has truly said, beware of your desires, lest they may be fulfilled. With ample time and money, I now wonder what to do. Anyway, need to sign out now, have few interviews to crack!

;)

IT Cinderella

Would he ever know??

 
 
I can’t believe that I really do that!
Deliberately crossing his cabin every time I can.
My logics ask, what am I doing?
My brain says I don’t believe that I am really doing this!
But there I am, here I am …
Lost in his thoughts!
 
All day long my heart yearns to see him,
But when fate actually confronts us, I shy away…
I don’t know why!
Oh man! He is so invincible!
I wish I could be invisible…
 
And when the night falls,
I lay on my bed and reflect…
Feel silly and stupid for shying away.
Thinking, dreaming,
I realize the feeling in me for him.
Oh dear, they are intense!
Every moment of my life is now becoming a greater suspense!
 
And as the sleep surrounds,
I wonder….
Would he ever know?
Would I ever show?
 
 
N’S!
 
4/21/2010 10:05:40 PM

Travelogues: Day 2, Rendezvous with Charminar

Day 2: Phase I accomplished and a rendezvous with Charminar.

 Date: Jan 30^th,2009

Early morning the next day we got ready and went to the station…had our breakfast on the run. At the tourism office we enquired and purchased for all the maps and city guides we needed. Then we hired an auto to take us to Ameerpet where I would be staying and doing my project. It was all accomplished pretty soon…thanks to my batchie Mahendra. He was there by my good fortune and guided us everywhere…else we would have been wandering here and there for dunno how many hours.In the CMC office, they have a poster of Changi Airport, boasting about some AirTraffic  Lightening Control System developed by CMC and successfully implemented at Changi Airport,Singapore…rings a bell. Someone there…nice beach…he’s cool too…but I dunno hw to pronounce his name…any ways I won’t be…how is he doing?? I wonder. Must be chilling off fosure!...I missed him a lot these few days..why? coz I didn’t get online perhaps that’s why…had he noticed my disappearance? Kya pata..and its none of my business either so better curb your sentiments and focus on your work…okay…pata nahi kya baat hai dil me…na jane kaisi kashmakash hai ye…callate! Just stop thinking and focus..don’t let your mind wander off any where....

 Around 2 o’clock we were all through with our preliminary tasks. Oye! It’s Friday! And we missed our namaaz! Well we’d pray Qaza if possible. Now what? To charminar! Well my Dad wanted to go over there…dunno why…but so I complied with him. We took an auto for that. I am so infatuated with this place…it has a striking similarity with my love Bhopal…(so I feel). This place just reminds me of Bhopal….the bottom line: am gonna enjoy my stay over here. There are so many structures that resemble the old architecture. The tombs, minarets,etc. The perfection, the alignment, the finish, the strength to stand so many centuries and see so many changes…it was all mesmerizing. As the Char Minar area approached, it reminded me of the Chowk bazaar of Bhopal. There in the heart of the city was a proud structure…boasting of its good luck and good fortune, standing tall and strong against the winds and seasons of change. It was breathetaking beautiful ( it is.) We purchased the tickets and went inside. I could hardly wait to touch and feel the cold stones in my hand. The whole architecture is so simple yet so sophistically designed. The big tomb is balanced on the four minarets. We entered the minaret the one on the left hand corner in front. The staircases were compact and spiral and huge…reminded me of my birthplace home at Andherdeo. Ofcourse it was a good muscular exercise for our thighs as well. We finally reached the top…and guess what! I NEVER FELT SO MUCH AT HOME AS I FELT NOW. I am so glad and proud that I am a born Muslim and an Indian…I mean that I am an Indian muslim…I can boast of so great things of my country. It just fills my heart with pride to see all these. I am happy that I can feel it all, see it all. Thanks God. (Shukra – alhamd-illah). Mecca masjid looks so beautiful from here. I just wish I had him with me so that he could enjoy it all with me. I wish I had my Mom n Bro as well so that they could enjoy these as well. Kaash ke we sab yahan hote.

Sab itna khoobsurat hone ke bawajood bhi kitna soona sa lagta hai.Sach hum jinhe chahte hain wo saath hon to berang si jagah bhi haseen lagti hai aur agar aap akele hon to kitni hi khoobsurat jagah kyon na ho wo bhi berang si lagti hai.

Mujhe lag raha tha ki kaash mere paas cam hota…par fir camfone se hi I tried taking some pics..par hamesha ki tarah it was a disaster! All I could manage to take up was  abstract form of such a beautiful place.Every thing divided into straight lines, parallels, co-ordinates…etc…see for yourself….

I took this one standing at the ticket counter.

While entering…I wish ki mere bhai ne mera Cybershot ko dubaya na hota…

Arch ke just upar jo structure hai usme kuch Arabic me likha tha…I wanted to capture it so that I could decipher it but couldn’t.

Another unsuccessful attempt of mine…actually I wanted to capture the arches in an alignment without any one in the way. I got the way cleared but at the end-moment these two guys just jumped in. Hope I get a good sketch of it.

Just liked it and shot it.

Sorry…I can’t even hold d device stready in my hands!

The place above is for hanging fanoosh( chandelier).

                          

Oh yeah that’s me…Miss Mismatch!

The beautiful Mecca Masjid and the hustle and bustle of Charminar….so many centuries and still things haven’t changed a bit.

Am so enthralled with the perfection of the carvings.

Here I go abstract again! Give me A beautiful Charminar…and I would give you a straight line, a few alignments compressed in first and fourth co-ordinates. Just give me a life and I would turn it all logics…all 0s and 1s.

Khooburat to hai ye sama bas intezar hai to unka…Sitting on the gallery(on the verge of falling down!) thinking of him. I just don’t get it why does Cupid has to aim at me only and that too without any other person in the vicinity.Certainly…the Cupid’s bow struck me yet again!

This historical piece would have been a bell during that time…ab to iski taraf koi dekta bhi nahi hai…but it caught my attention.

Dukh hai….is baat ka ki hamare desh ki itni khoobsoorat dharohar ki qadra hamare desh ke bashinde hi nahi karte….Ibadat ki jagah par apne naam likh rakhe hain. Yes the historian say that charminar had place to offer namaaz.But most of the door were locked so could not understand where and what.

Ye fawwara us zamane me wazu karne ki(banane ki) jagah hua karti thi.

What confuses me is that in Islam any kind of figure or sculpture is a taboo but here we have a beautiful carving of some birds on the fountain.I found it ironic…Is the new age Islam just a mumbo jumbo of  all those clerics with rules tailor made to suit them? Makes sense?

The top… from the bottom.

Oh my dear sun don’t play games with me..or else I’d have mirages of my mo cuishler.

Where am I? Who am I? I am so lost in the co-ordinates of time and space….Don’t stop me…don’t wake me if it’s a dream…just let me be where I am…just let the time freeze.

Let me be a part of history…let me be a part of it. Don’t wake me…don’t shake me. Don’t even touch me. Just ignore me…let me be the invisible...invincible. Let me stand here for the ages and be the Zahir.

Hope you enjoyed the show!

After we were done checking out Charminar my Dad wanted to go for some pearl shopping. Co-incidently my Mom called my Dad and reminded about the pearls for Dadi and Batru Khala. We wandered and wandered with no where to go…actually there are many pearl shops in the charminar area and you just don’t know where to start from. I enquired a couple of ladies walking around. One of them told me about some Liluram. We tried searching for him but couldn’t find so ended up at some other shop. Nothing appealed us much so we bought two pairs of pearl earrings for the sake of buying. The salesman was boasting a lot about the originality of the pearls but I was more interested in my most desired Black Pearl. I told him that I am looking for an authentic pearl, no so called originals. He said all are original. Then I explained him that these pearls are culture bred pearls…what I want is a black colored original pearl the kind that has spirals on it.He understood what I was looking for, then told me that its very very rare to find. And it is more expensive as well…a normal white authentic pearl is priced around 30grands so black one would touch 50grands easily. He added that that kind of pearls were available only in Basra,Iraq but now a days they are drilling that place over for oil and not for pearls. We did our shopping and move on. On our way we saw Liluram. I thought of enquiring about the pearls…particularly the rice pearl that my Mom had told me to look for. We checked various pearls  at Liluram…these were of better quality than what we had looked before and seemed far more genuine. He showed us many beads of various sizes in the rice pearl. I liked the smallest ones…they had a touch of delicateness in them. I desiged a jewelry instantly with the beads…it was a different pattern and real good but it needed 10-12 beads …one bead costed 350..so that makes it 3500 for the 10 beads set that I designed. Phew! No chance that I get it now on plain demand. Somehow I dropped the idea and focused on the gift items for my Dadi and Khala. We settled for two medium sized pearl beads for both Dadi and Khala.Then again I presented the desire to look at black pearl….the shopkeeper showed many…this time the gleam of black pearl caught my Dad’s attention. Moreover 2^nd Feb is my Mom’s birthday so he wanted to purchase something special for her…and this was it. The black pearls would look so beautiful on my Mom, she being of fair complexion. So we made a set of plain black pearl beads and tops. It was awesome. My Dad was so excited…it reflected in his eyes…I told the Shopkeeper to put the silver hook on it.When the shopkeeper left us,my Dad asked me would my Mom be glad to receive the gift? I said yes of course she would…its so awesome…why won’t she be? But then looking at my Dad another thought crept in my mind…would there be someone for me as well who would be so excited to gift me pearls and diamonds? Anyone? I don’t want pearls or diamonds from him…all I want is the excitement…the care…the love…the compassion. Would I get it? Would I get someone to care for me as my Papa cares for Mommy? Or would I be all alone? Hell! God please help me…Uff what am I thinking? Kahin nazar na lag jaye….Tauba….Oh God please keep my Parents happy and safe as always…May they celebrate their 50^th anniversary too as they celebrated their 25^th last year…May their love get strong and stronger like the roots of Oak trees….May they be happy forever….Amen.

We paid and made for our hotel. Took an auto…the auto driver started the radio…it sounded like a known song yet it seemed distant…perhaps my heart was hearing “menda yaar mila de saiyaan”….I don’t know when we came out of the busy and crowed streets of Char minar and entered into the Necklace road that perimeters around the Hussain Sagar Lake. I took a look at the lake… I wish I had him with me…I just wish he was here with me. Am I too romantic? Too impractical or just plain stupid with nothing to do apart from wasting my time brooding on these things? But I wish he was here. Kaash ke wo is pal mere saath hote…shayad hum haath me haath dale Hussain Sagar Jheel ke kinare tehlte…ya fir wahin kisi bench pe baithte…baat karte hue...Wo mere sabse kareeb dost bhi hote aur mere humdum bhi. Jinko mai yeh keh pati..” Jaane kyun dil janta hai..tu hai to I’ll be all right.” Jaane kyun dil chahta hai ki wo mujhe milen jaldi…shayad mai shaadi ke pehle unhe achche se samjhna chahti hun jo ki itni jaldi mumkin to nahi hai par fir bhi kafi hadd tak hum samajh hi jaenge…apne bare me batana chahti hun…ummeed hai ki wo samjhenge…aur unhe aitraaz na hoga. Pata nahi mai kyun aise khayalon me khoi rahti hun aksar…It is really dangerous for me…I need to stop it, but can’t. But one things sure…there is something in the air of this place…it seduces me with all sorts of romantic feelings. Yahan ki aab-o-hawa kuch khaas hai…najane mann kyun itna roomani ho jata hai ki rooh bhi kabhi-kabhi  kaap uthti hai.

The auto stopped. We had reached our hotel.           

From my Travelogue's - Hyderabad diaries #1 (1st visit)

Date: Jan’29^th, 2009

Time: 1845hrs

Place: Secundarabad Rly Stn, PF9

I got down from the train..glad that the long n cumbersome journey was finally over,glad that I can stretch myself on a land.But then there lay another Herculean task…my heavy luggage to be put through from PF9 to PF1.And in between lay some 25-30 stairs. Somehow I managed to get to the top. As I climbed the stairs n reached the end of the stairs…I was welcomed by a very common yet very charismatic view. It seemed that there was a competition between the criss-cross of railway tracks below and the electricity wires above. Well this sure is common but this is not what caught my attention. It was the sundown that grasped my heart and left me gaping. I do love sundowns and have seen many but this was something very unique.There sure was something very enigmatic about it. I froze there itself. Lost in time and space yet again. The sun in the distant horizon was setting..or was it my heart that was sinking? I remembered how many beautiful things I had seen in my life…but all alone. I always yearned that I had someone to share these beautiful moments of my life…ofcourse I always have my family( and m glad about it) but my heart cries for that someone special ‘The One’ who is just for me, who would understand me, hear me without my uttering any words.If all this is too much to ask for then I’d simplify it…some one special with whom I can roam around hand in hand,in whose shoulders I can hide my self when afraid…just that special one with whom I can share my soul…love him…just love him as I want to, with all my heart. I sometimes feel like ripping off my heart and squeezing out every drop of blood from it. Till it has no strength or scope for any emotions…how comfortably numb I would be then . How good it would be for me then…no pain in the heart…no cravings for my L’amore…But is it ever possible?

Many guys n girls feel like this sometimes…its so common, (hey isn’t it called rationalizing in psychology?) But then how many of them are single?

Hey am I getting desperate? Might be..but I had always desired for a mate with whom I could share everything…every beautiful thing in my life atleast if not d gruesome past.

Oh how I wish I could have him now..give him all the respect…treat him like my

Great honored emperor…ready to do any thing and everything for him to please him,for his smile, for his happiness.How much I want to share my time with him..my life. I just wanna love him without asking any thing in return save a favour…to allow me to love him…to die for him.Let him take even the single last breath of mine but make him happy…

Oh God please now I can’t take this any more…please make our paths transect,coz I know he is there somewhere.But I don’t know where.Please protect him.Please fulfil his wishes.Please..Oh dear lord keep him happy always.

Oh Sun please don’t melt away…its my blood that is draining out of my heart…please stop…please stop for my love so that he can enjoy this with me.

“Aow!” I almost stumbled over my bag. A passenger in his rush had pushed me and almost tripped me. This was enough to get me out of my frenzy. Heck! how so senti-mental can I be sometimes. And what is the logic behind my thinking like this? How so insensibly romantic I could be sometimes! I better do something about it.

By now a crowd had accumulated around me…some to help the ‘humpty-dumpty me’ to stand up and some because I was blocking the way. I stood up, took a last look at the last rays of the sun and turned to the crowd to assure that I was fine and didn’t need any help and to apologise for wasting their times.Seeing everyting normal,everyone resumed their activities as if nothing had happened. Standing at the end of that foot-over-bridge,with the lonely sun returning back after a lost battle, I realized the truth,that I was all alone in this crowd.

Who are we bullshITing?? (PUNINTENDED)

I too, like many others have chosen the safest and surest path. The road of IT.

All I need to do is huddle up in front of my laptop or my system and keep staring at the screen. Stare as if there is something very important in it. And make facial expressions that would make onlookers wonder if I am trying to find something very crucial & critical.

Yes, I too huddle up and droop over my laptop. Doing something very important. In fact, it is so damn important that I can't even speak what I do. I was once asked by a common friend...'So, tell me what do you do for living?'..

'I work.', I replied.

'Well, yes, but what do you exactly do in your work?'

'Well...I do nothing.', I replied flatly. Yes this was the straight answer that came out from me.

People would wonder if I was being sarcastic or something. But no, I wasn't. In fact, I was myself surprised to see my truthful response. To my realization, my response gave out my complacency and sheer acceptance of the things that were. Developer turned Tester, I reflected back on work that I had done and realized that out of my 30 months (2.5 years) of work experience, I hadn't 'work' worked. I do not find anything substantial that I would have worked on.

Agreed, we get work eventually as we grow but somehow my work seem to have degraded. I started off with a dream of coding in kick-ass technical languages and frameworks such as C, C++, Java, .NET, etc. But in reality I worked in a data warehousing and Business Intelligence stream (even better!).

Initially I was trained in many awesome tools but eventually I ended up working on plain simple MS Excel Sheet. Now, the journey from tools to excels is a conversation for another day.

So, the bottom line is, I come into office, and act as if am working my a** off. Of course, there are work around like clearing certifications, creating BOK (Body of Knowledge), etc. But I am done with almost all of them (those that were a part of my role and those that were for the higher role; BTW, I still wonder what values do certifications and BOKs add).

Basically, I am idle these days and I waste time or rather invest time on FB, and news and blogs, etc.

I discussed this 'sheer waste of time' with one of my mentors. He asked me to join him for coffee. There he gave me a simple few steps guide.
He promised me that if I follow those steps diligently, I would never face any issue in my whole working career.

My mentors guide to successful and fulfilling career:
Easy 15 steps guide to surviving the day in IT industry:

Suppose it's a typical 9 to 5 job. The day kicks start at 9 and meeting is scheduled at 10.

1. Come late to the office or dot on time for the meeting: This would highlight you and make you visible amongst people in your team. Attend the call / meeting.

2. Check the mails and open a new mail and address it to Onsite, team, etc.

3. Go for breakfast/tea. By the time you come back it should have been 10.45 or 11am.

4. Come back to your desk, go through the mails, respond (Forward the funny forwards you received.). Check the tasks for the day.

5. Ping to your lead or even better go to his/her desk with a notepad and pen and talk regarding the clarification of the task however simple they may be, just ask your doubts and questions.

6. Come back to your desk, ask your friends for tea and break for tea. Have a water cooler break.
Gossip, chit chat. Hopefully it is 11.45ish now.

7. Work with some slight word plays on that mail that you opened. Mention the doubts/queries/inputs you have regarding your work.

8.  Sit back on your desk and try remembering/focussing on the task of the day. Around 12.30 your friends would start messaging/ calling you for lunch. Don't keep your friends waiting for long. Break for lunch at 12.30.

9. Hover around at each menu board/caterer. Hop from food court to food court. Settle for the food court that catered to majority of your groups varied dietary needs. Enjoy your meals till 2pm.

10. Once back from lunch, try focussing on your work and the tasks for the day. I know, you are sleepy. Take a nap. It is refreshing. Wake up around 2.15 or maybe 2.30 and try working.

11. Work for 30-45 mins. Ping your friends for tea/coffee around 3.15 and go for another round of tea or coffee.

12. Return back by 3.45ish. The work is still undone. Try finishing it ASAP. You need to catch the 5pm bus..or at least that 6 pm bus. Just code/test/document/work on whatever your task of the day was. Don't even review it. Just do it. But DO NOT send it.

13. Work on your mail. Highlight the things that you did or the doubts that you had. Review and re-review it.

14. Mail the completed work at 4.45pm to your lead for reviewing and sending to onsite. Mention the term 'Kindly review it before sending to onsite.' Mail the mail that you had composed. Mail it to everyone but omit one, your reviewer/ lead (optional). 


15. Lock your system and run for the cab/bus. Run (walk) without looking behind or stopping to greet anyone or even meeting anyone's eyes. Just keep moving. Don't even answer the phone calls. Do not do anything other than boarding that goddamned cab/bus and until it has started moving. 


You are free for the day now. Anything that comes is a task for tomorrow now.




'That is the golden key to secret of surviving in the IT industry.', commented my mentor with pride.
He then excused me stating that he had to work on an important mail, winked and left.

But I kept sitting there. I kept wondering. What sort of work culture is this? I would rather prefer starting my day early, finishing my job and then leaving early to pursue my personal life rather than pulling out this act.

I just wondered who are we bullshitting anyway??


-Manya
4th June, 2012,
4.14pm

So much to read..

Sometimes I just wonder how much there is to read.
So many best sellers, so many fictions and non fictions and the blogs.
Sometimes I just wonder how much there is to read.
And then I wonder, how much there is to say.

Everyday I meet many faces.
There's a story told within each pair of eyes I meet.
I just wish I had all the time so that I could read.
And may be re-write.

And then there are many stories untold.
Waiting for another scene to unfold.

I sometimes wonder if I am at the right place, doing what I wanted to do.
Or should I just quit my job and settle down with a good book.

I have realized that there is much more to be told.
And I leave it to the destiny to write the story of my life and let my future unfold.

-N's!
3rd Jul, 2012,
5.09pm

How I wish I could tell you all this...

I look into your deep brown eyes,

And I feel a melancholy strain.

You glance here & there,

Curious as ever.

How I wish to stand by you,

And say, I’ll be here…beside you…

I will help you find out whatever you are looking for.

You look baffled, lost sometimes.

I want to come to you and tell you I’m right behind.

Yes! I will help you out with all your quest.

Please let me be your shadow, that is all I  request..

You never have to tell me when you had a bad day..

For I could sense it in your temperament from far away.

Sometimes I catch you looking at me,

But then you look away..

You always catch me looking at you..

I hope that you read my gaze that says I love you..

But sometimes you just see through me..

It hurts me the most because you mean the world to me..

Please don’t do this to me..

It sears my heart, it hurts.

I shall be everything you need

I will be everything you want.

But please don’t ignore me, don’t leave me.

How I wish you’d acknowledge my presence

And realize my absence.

I will be your protection,

From the nasty world around us.

For I know, deep inside you are still a child

Innocent & curious.

I will give you a comforting hug,

A loving kiss…even without your asking.

I just want to be your soulmate.

How I wish I could tell you all this.

How I wish I could speak to you these words of my heart.

-N’s!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

3:53:13 PM

-Naushi (Manya)